Friday, 25 June 2010

I Fancy Some Chocolate

I have been mocking myself slightly for the amount I've been eating since I got here. It's true already that I am a dress size or so bigger than last year (noted somewhat sourly trying to stuff myself into some of last years summer dresses).

Once upon a time this would've been the epicentre of my world, and indeed it was being out here in Canada two summers ago that was the beginnings of me being the thinnest I had ever been (the most consumed by my eating disorder I'd ever been). Now it would be a lie to say that I am completely accepting of my figure and that things are all fine and dandy. I'll still always hesitate upon deciding what to eat, trips to a supermarket dependant on mood leave my decisions ruled by content and fear about the effect one way or another on my thighs. I unfortunately pretty much know the contents of everything that passes my lips and guilt still follows a particularly sumptuous meal - but it's much more in proportion these days and much less sinister is the self ridicule.

This really has been brought to light as I met up with my Canadian male friend again last night. I didn't see him last summer due to the girls being out with me and last time I saw him I was 25lbs lighter and now am almost 40lbs heavier than the first time we met, everyone else around me saw these changes gradually and knew that I was ill - he didn't. I can't deny that waiting to meet up I was somewhat filled with dread, what if he was repulsed? What if he commented? Would I be able to keep myself in check? Of course all these thoughts were completely irrational but such is my thinking around this area.

As it happens we met up and went out for a beer, we got chatting having over 18 months of stuff to cover and then he mentioned about him going to the gym and getting fitter for his motocross racing. Before things could progress further I dropped in a joke about me probably needing to join the gym and he immediately looked taken aback and spoke of how great I was looking these days. Not a single negative thought seemed to have passed his mind about my suitable ballooning. He didn't know I was ill back then so I know his judgement wasn't with intent of keeping me well and it filled me with great hope. Yet another reinforcement that bigger is better these days - it's what suits me and that'll do me thanks.

*eats chocolate*

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