Friday, 19 February 2010

They tried to make me go to rehab and I said .. "yeah alright then".

It's been a while.

Time spent away in such a beautiful setting in the Lakes was just what the doctor ordered (and in terms of my leg quite literally). It felt rather odd actually because it was the first time in my 21 years of life that I was to be spending such a long amount of time on my own with people I had never met before. It has worked wonders for my hip- I went in bent and twisted leaning heavily on a crutch (incorrectly used) and two weeks later I walked out straightened out with just a walking stick (on the correct side) and feeling a hell of a lot stronger and replenished. I met some absolutely fantastic people from all different backgrounds and each with their unique story and we shared many many hilarious moments - particularly our group of four being labelled as the rebels, pulling ridiculous practical jokes and inflicting and recieving a wicked amount of teasing (or in my case just being a constant recipient haha).

My original intention was to keep up writing daily whilst spending time in rehabilitation, but almost instantly after I arrived I realised this wasn't really going to be feasible, time was going to be constructed to intensely focused on my health and well being... I felt suddenly well and truly catapulted out of the daily charade that is my usual life and literally left stripped down to just me, myself and I. It didn't sit too well at first.

It felt completely alien to stop life - suddenly I went from being a full time student with a weekend job, busy social life, wardrobe styling/ modelling work, constantly on some creative project, fitting in therapy appointments and enthusiast of my hobbies to just being - Ruby in a room. I spent the first hour I go there not knowing what the hell to do with myself - I unpacked and rearranged my room, hobbled around the grounds, chain smoked and got really rather restless by tea time. It was very difficult to ignore all the things that somewhat had got suppressed in my head by having such a crammed life and throughout the week they did seem to come up to the surface - but the absolute beauty of that was that in there I had the time and space to address things, take time to think things through, cry if I wanted and not have to worry about having to pull myself together because of some commitment I had to attend or address in the very close future. I feel I healed on many levels and although the transformation might not have been so clear to everyone else I have myself felt a massive shift - it is quite amazing what a short vacation from life can do - even if you didn't feel there was anything particularly wrong in the first place.

It gave me a lot of food for thought and I had to look a lot at the way I had been living my life - or rather the conversations I was having in my head that caused me to behave in certain ways. It did make me face up to what I had potentially done to my body as a result of my eating disorder and was the final push I think to believe that it was time to put all that firmly behind me. I had time to process and to forgive myself and coming home that process continued. I've found it difficult to write because my head has been very much in a whirlwind and trying to settle through this transition. I discharged myself fully and finally from the eating disorders service just last week and I feel proud to be closing that chapter on my life.

So here I am - refreshed and revitalised, healed and hopeful, back and blogging :)