My ignorance and naivety has become somewhat of a disturbance to me lately - in terms of the greater picture anyway. Over the past few weeks I have become progressively quieter - more introverted and consumed by thoughts, more content to watch and absorb, listen and learn. I have spent many hours in the company of two particular people that provide great wisdom and life lessons and I have in turn become "quite the avid note taker".
Frivolity I do not frown upon - in fact I positively encourage it - it's essential at times but recently I've been presented (through my own doing) with quite large philosophical questions about my life - about my purpose, my role, my function and where it's all going ... and what for. Then I realised it was probably more the wiser to stop trying to find the answers than it was to actually come up with a conclusion. It's a journey and what will be will be - if we knew the answers what would be the point in having the journey at all?
I've felt myself the past six weeks feel progressively weaker - physically and certainly spiritually. There's been too many parties, too much substance and not enough time with self and soul. Whilst these things are absolutely fantastic in moderation - I became increasingly aware that I was running away from something - trying to shut out something about myself I wasn't happy with. I let this carry on for far too long, my physical health was ravaged, weak and run down one day lead to 14 hours sleep one night - followed by being awake for only 5 hours the next day to feed myself before sleeping a further 13. Hibernation. I experienced a lot of dreams and sensations within those hours of very deep sleep and I woke feeling altogether shifted.
Why I didn't realise these things weeks, even years ago I don't know - I suppose it wasn't on my map to get to this point until now but I've made some strong decisions to work and focus on my spiritual self. I'm going to rejuvenate (the word detox has been bastardised), stop the drink, stop smoking and take a purer diet. Nothing too extreme just take care of myself, restore order and routine, take care of myself so I'm well equipped to give back to the world.
That isn't to say I won't go out and party on occasion but that is what it shall be - an occasion - not just because. The main thing is that my head and heart are in a different position with it all. I want more mental space for creativity and being educated instead of it being plagued with chemical and drugs. I'm excited by this gift I'm giving myself and how I can potentially be enriched and acquire knowledge now I've got more of a chance. I feel quite blessed that I had the epiphany.