At the centre of my being, in fact with every fibre of me I know that I was born to be a mother. Slowly over the past few months I have let the diva act drop a little, the "Ruby Show" as it were has calmed down as I too have become calmer. Many of my friends now know me as "Momma Bear" as I've let them in a bit more and it is in my very nature to want to mother and care - nothing gives me greater pleasure than fulfilling this role. The matriarch. I have always known this yet I suppose it's in the past 3 years that I've really grown into this role, I had to overcome some trials and tribulations of my own before I was able to fulfil it properly but I know now I'm there. Nothing gives me more of a sense of pride than when people turn around to me and say they can see I'd make a wonderful mother.
It probably sounds quite strange at 21 and I'm sure many of my elders would tell me I need to have my own life etc etc first - and I know this and I will do, there's very little chance of me nesting just yet but I can't displace the incredibly powerful desire I have right now to want to settle and have a little family of my own.
The 21st century I think is possibly the most trying time for women or certainly women with my disposition - combining driving ambition with instinctive maternal feelings. The modern day woman really can have it all - we have no limits - but often that translates to "I should be everything" to me. I want my career, I want my family, I want to be beautiful, I want to be successful, I want to be nurturing, wise, giving, loving yet robust, focused and driven all the same time and I'm discovering that trying to appropriate all this and fit it all in is increasingly difficult. Yes I am only 21 ... but then there's university years to take into account, time to travel, build my career, meet someone, have my family ... and to do it all before I'm 32 - is that really possible? Maybe it's the path I've chosen - the fashion industry I know requires one to sacrifice the soul at times and I'm not entirely sure I'm willing to do that.
I often sit and think about myself in ten years time. Will I be that high flying career woman or that earthly mother of many? I'm not sure I'm able to think of a middle ground because I feel both my career and my children would both require all of me to be what I want them to be ... maybe that's the ever steadfast obstruction of perfectionism in me? I often wonder sometimes if my years of anorexia were an expression of not knowing what to do with these conflicting feelings. I have certainly read enough Susie Orbach to realise that's probably true.
I think I could die content at least if I didn't have my career but not if I didn't have my children and I feel that ever biological clock ticking. My mother at my age was almost married and just a couple of years older than me when I was born. I have many friends with children, some of them two and younger than me...
I guess I'm writing here scrabbling for resolution - but as it stand there isn't one. Maybe I need to slow down again, go find my earth roots and trust in that what will be will be - something will show me the way, maybe I am trying to control and foresee too much ... que sera and all that - but I suppose this is the one thing that I feel is just too important to leave to chance.